Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
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Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.