(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
You Might Also Like
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
hmmm
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Just a friendly reminder!
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?