Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
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If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy