I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
is this a warning or an offer?
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
when you don’t want to be too vague
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe