Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
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In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Beware of the dog..
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.