*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
necessity is the mother of invention
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.