So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
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#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Miscakes
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”