If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
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[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
somewhere, in an alternate universe