[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
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This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”