Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
You Might Also Like
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
North and South
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
So creative 😂
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.