I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.