Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
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1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.