My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
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*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
If looks could kill
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.