I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
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I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
Me:
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”