When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
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Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
October already? What’s next? November????
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
They’re really bad with fonts.
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups