me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
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Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning