Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
english majors be like furthermore
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-