The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
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If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*me flirting
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?