the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
You Might Also Like
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”