*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
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I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
#FunnyLife Insects
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
How high do the levels go?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound