detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
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This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Bed should get ready for ME
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Google assistant rules
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.