Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure