[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
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You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID