Left at a local drug store…
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“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?