I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
You Might Also Like
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
When someone says you are so lazy
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.