If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.