I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 馃憫
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Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 馃槒
Her: oh.. 馃槈 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Quadruple digit IQ
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I鈥檇 focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you鈥檙e the port. It鈥檚 still good but a little hurtful.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn鈥檛 move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist: