any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
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It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I finally found a reason to live again.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Me as a therapist: omg same
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..