If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“How’s your day going?”
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.