Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
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Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.