Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.