When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
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Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.