My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
me and who
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!