Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
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Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
And now we wait
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN