Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
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I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone