me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire