Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
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My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email