Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
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*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
These aliens are taking forever.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.