INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
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Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”