You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
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This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
new career option?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.