[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
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[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
pat pat
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.