Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
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Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.