A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
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A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”