Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
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Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
A roof is a house hat.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*