Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
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I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My good tweets are in my other pants.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.