What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
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genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs