[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
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Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
“and how does that make you feel?”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I thought this was funny lol
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.