FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.