I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc