yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
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Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
love it when they get my name right
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
The Assassin.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]